


Not Knowing What to Hold On To

by Bibsibi



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blow Jobs, Coming Out, Growing Up Together, M/M, Masturbation, Mild Smut, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Party, Underage Drinking, underage because at some point they are 12 and 14
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-07-14 05:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16033580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bibsibi/pseuds/Bibsibi
Summary: "Luke thinks he’s always had a crush on Ashton."Or the one where Ashton is Jack's best friend and Luke is stuck being desesperately in love with him since he's four, and getting his heart broken more times than a heart can handle.





	1. Children's games

Luke thinks he’s always had a crush on Ashton.

 

Even since his brother ever first mentioned him. Luke was sitting at the kitchen table while his mother was cooking dinner, making a drawing to thank her for bringing him to the park that afternoon. Just before dinner was his favourite part of the day because the first floor smelled good.

 

He was just adding a little bit of red in the sky when Jack rushed in to ask his mother if his new friend could come over tomorrow to play with the pirate ship Lego he got for his birthday. 4 years old Luke was excited because “yeah a new friend to play with” but his brother made it very clear that he didn't want his little brother to come play with “Ashton” and him.

 

Luke pouted and continued his drawing. When Jack had left the room, he told his mother it was unfair that he couldn't play with the new boy because “Ashton” was such a cool name. She promised to talk to Jack about it and let him play a little with them. He couldn't wait to show Ashton all of his Lego.

 

\--

 

The next day felt like eternity waiting for Jack to come back from school. Luke spent all day asking his mother what time it was and how much time left before they would be home. He even threw a fit when it was time for his nap because he didn't want to miss the boys, not understanding that school wouldn't finish for two hours still.

 

It was finally when he was spread across the couch, too absorb by the show that was on to think about Ashton (the only solution Liz found for him to leave her alone), when the door opened, and he heard them. He sat up quickly to look over the couch and finally saw the so anticipated boy. He was tall (well at least taller than him, but a bit shorted than Jack) with bowl cup blond hair and hazel eyes. Luke thought that he was really nice to look at and wanted to touch his face, but he wouldn't because that would be rude.

 

After analysing Ashton, he finally remembered that he waited all day to meet him and that he should go introduce himself. He was about to get off the couch, but he suddenly felt shy. What if Ashton didn’t like him? He decided to go meet them in the hallway anyway because he really wanted Ashton to see him.  So, he decided to hide behind his mother's legs as she was talking to her son's friend. She immediately understood because she's a mom and moms know everything.

 

“Ashton, this is Luke, Jack's little brother.” she said, bringing the little blond boy in front of her.

 

“Hi.”

 

That's all he said in response, but his voice was so amiable and his smile so beautiful -it even formed dimples on his cheeks- that Luke almost exploded right there. Ashton was nice and definitely awesome.

 

“Do you wanna play with me?” Luke built up the courage to ask, since Ashton was so great.

 

“No,” Jack responded before Ashton could say anything, “He came to play with me. Only me.”

 

Luke was about to start crying at how unfair it was, but his mother forced Jack to let him play with them for 30 minutes since he had been so rude to Luke.

 

Ashton was so cool. Luke wouldn't stop laughing whenever he said something; he was just too funny. He also liked The Beatles and that was great cause Luke's father always played their CDs in the car. The 30 minutes went way too quickly for Luke's taste, but he obliged when his mother told him to leave the boys alone. He wanted Ashton to think he was a cool little brother. He really hoped it worked.

 

Eventually, it was diner time and Ashton's mom came to pick him up. Luke couldn't stop thinking about how amazing this new friend was and he asked Jack if Ashton was going to come back to play sometimes. He was so happy that the answer was positive that he didn't even argue when his dad told him he had to go to bed. He fell asleep thinking about Ashton and him playing Lego together.

 

\--

 

The years went on and Jack and Ashton kept being friends and hanging out. They were at each other's house at least once a week, sometimes all weekend long. Luke's obsession with Ashton faded as he was now just a casual part of his life, but he still liked it a lot when he was around. He was still the cool brother's best friend that let him play with them occasionally and told him to sit with Jack and him on his first day of school. He was just that nice.

 

At some point, Ashton was over at the Hemmings almost everyday because his parents argued a lot, so he didn't like being home and then his father left, and it was just depressing to watch his mother cry and having to be reminded that his dad would rather being away from him.

 

It lasted a couple of weeks before things went back to pretty much what they were before, but Ashton still came over more often. Then, they didn't really see him for a couple of months after his little brother was born because he had to help his mother with the house and taking care of his sister.

 

Luke really missed him and would insist on spending time with Jack and him when he would finally come spend the evening. Sometimes it worked when they were playing video games or football.

 

Soon, Luke found himself not liking anything more than something as simple as playing Super Mario Bros in silent next to the boys. Especially when he was 10 and, not only didn’t have much friends, but also hated this kid from school, Michael. He would tell Ashton about him and how stupid and mean he was. The older boy kept telling him Michael was only jealous of him because Jenny from 3rd row had a crush on him. Luke would always blush and brush him off because “no she doesn't”.

 

A day that same year, Ashton came to the Hemmings' house with a guitar that his grand-father had given him. He was really excited and kept saying how he couldn't wait to learn Green Day songs and how cool he was going to be. Luke didn't get that last part since he already thought Ashton was the coolest kid around, but he didn’t point that out.

 

Ashton was so happy that it made Luke want to have a guitar too, so he could play with him. He bugged his parents about it for weeks, but they kept saying “Maybe when you'll be 12, like Ashton”. He was mad but couldn't do anything about it. Sometimes, Ashton would show him how to do some cords and let him play a little because he knew it would make the younger boy happy.

 

A couple of weeks later, Michael mocked Luke's hair in front of the whole class and everyone started to joke freely about it. When he told Ashton about the incident, the older boy told him to punch Michael in the face. Ashton wasn't totally serious, but Luke didn't get that, so the next day that's what he did. Everyone was shocked because that's not the kind of things Luke would usually do, but that's how much influence Ashton had on him. He hurt his hand, made Michael's nose bleed, got suspended for two days and grounded for a month.

 

The week after, Ashton gave him his guitar to apologise for putting him in trouble. Anyway, he didn't like it that much after all and he said Luke would probably be better than him. The blonde accepted the gift with disbelief and incredible gratitude. It was such an honour for him to get _Ashton Irwin_ 's guitar. When the older boy left, Luke took the time to admire his new instrument. That's when he noticed the painting on the back.

 

**Punching people is bad. (But it’s badass)**

\--

 

It's when he was twelve that Luke noticed that he wasn't exactly like every other boy his age.

 

There was a party organised by a girl in his year. It wasn't officially said, but everyone knew that it would be a make out party. Basically, a bunch of kids playing spin the bottle and seven minutes in heaven just to have an excuse to kiss each other. This implied that if he was going, he would have to kiss a girl and he honestly didn't want to. He had like minus 10 interest. The idea just didn't appeal him. He dreaded the idea, but he said he was going to go because everyone else was.

 

So that's how he ended up in Morgan Reid's basement playing spin the bottle and having to spin the said bottle. He absolutely didn't want to, but he did anyway. Nothing horrible happened, it spun and stopped like it had for every round before, but, the thing is, this time it landed on a boy. Thomas Ward to be more specific. The one every girl liked because he was taller than them -which was rare for a 12-year-old boy-, played football and was a math champion -that meant he was smart and therefore husband material. Weirdly, all of that made Luke even more nervous. He would have to kiss the prettiest boy of year 7. Just thinking about it made his stomach tickled and his hands sweaty.

 

He was just about to move towards Thomas when Michael shouted louder than necessary. “Spin again dumbass! We're waiting.”

 

Luke looked at him extremely confused.

 

“It's not like you're gonna kiss a boy. That's gross.”

 

Oh. Right. Yeah.

 

Everyone agreed with Michael's words, so Luke tried again. The bottle landed on Suzie from science that had long black hair and the biggest boobs of their year. He tried not to make a face as she got closer. He closed his eyes shut just before she sealed their lips together.

 

It was less wet than he imagined, also more chapped. Nothing worth the fireworks people in movies couldn't stop talking about when they related their first kiss. It must have lasted 2 seconds top, but it was enough for Luke's face to get tomato red. Of course, Michael Stupid Clifford made fun of him, so he left.

 

He felt gross and sick, almost felt like throwing up. Fortunately, he lived two streets away, so he didn't have to wait for his parents to come back from the movies to pick him up.

 

When he got back home, he heard Ashton laughing in the living room. He was even more pissed that he went to this stupid party. He could have hanged out with him and Jack instead. When he got there, though, the older boy was alone watching South Park.

 

“Hey Luke!” He welcomed warmly.

 

“Hey. Where's Jack? And Ben?”

 

“Jack fell asleep because he drank one of your dad's beer and he can't handle his liquor. Ben went out on a date.” Luke was surprised by Jack's behaviour, but he didn't comment on it, guessing it was the rebellious phase kicking in. “Why are you back? It's only nine o'clock.”

 

“It sucked,” the young boy mumbled.

 

“Ooooh! Someone didn't get to kiss a girl, eh? What happened? She refused to kiss you? You chickened out?” Ashton had that grin on his face that showed he was mocking Luke. It was upsetting that Ashton thought no one wanted to kiss him or that he was too young to be interested in kissing. It was true, but it was still insulting to be seen like that.

 

“No. I did kiss a girl,” he said firmly to shut him up as he walked to his room.

 

“Wait!” Ashton shouted before following him. “I want the dets. How did it go?”

 

He was really too excited about this. Luke didn't really want to talk about it, but Ashton had that face that he just couldn't resist to.

 

“Suzie Brown. Her brother's in your year, maybe you know her.”

 

“The one with the big tits?”

 

He asked that like it was nothing, like he didn't just say _tits_ casually, without any shame or guilt, an eyebrow arched while letting himself fall on the other boy's bed.

 

Luke sighed.

 

“Yeah, her. Anyway, it was really disappointing. No fireworks or all the crap they talk about in the movies.”

 

He didn't know why, but he wasn't comfortable looking at Ashton while talking about this. Something inside of him didn't want Ashton to know he kissed a girl. He didn’t know why, but it felt wrong. Consequently, he took the opportunity to put away some clothes that were lying on the ground.

 

“Nah, you have to be in love or some shit like that for it to happen.”

 

Luke glanced over his shoulder to look at Ashton. He was sitting, leaning against the wall, examining Luke's geography notes.

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“My mom told me. She said: “kissing a girl will only be worth it when you meet one that is special and that you really like.”

 

Luke laughed because Ashton's imitation of his mother was way too exaggerated, but still resembling.

 

“She just doesn't want me to be dating.”

 

Luke didn't know what to say after that. He didn't want to ask Ashton if he was dating because he didn't want to seem like his relationship status bothered him or anything (and honestly, he didn't want to know if the answer was yes).

 

“I almost kissed Thomas Ward, but they said I had to spin again because two boys can't kiss at this game.”

 

Ashton made an annoyed face and huff loudly. “There's no rules for that. They don't play it right.” For some reason, this made Luke smile.

 

“Yeah, totally! I would have rather kiss him.”

 

Luke's eyes widened. He was so enthusiastic that Ashton shared his opinion that he didn't think before speaking. He had just said he would have rather kiss a boy than a girl.

 

“I mean, you know, cause it's not like a real kiss, it doesn't count. Less stressful.” He had to force himself to stop talking. He was probably making it worse.

 

“Yeah, I get it. It doesn't mean anything.”

 

“Exactly.”

 

After that there was a silence. It was a bit uncomfortable. Luke shifted his weight from one leg to another, hoping Ashton was going to say something.

 

“Well,” he clapped his hands together and got off the bed. “I'm gonna go in Jack's room.” He was at the door and Luke couldn't stop himself.

 

“Why?”

 

“Uh?” Ashton turned around, interrogatively. “Why not?”

 

Luke was blushing. He didn't plan what he was going to say afterward, but he couldn't say nothing or, worst, that he wanted Ashton to stay with him because he liked to hang out just the two of them.

 

“I'm gonna get bored if you don't play with me.” That's the best he could find in two seconds. Ashton laughed.

 

“I think you're old enough to entertain yourself alone, Lukey.”

 

Luke's heart jumped at the nickname, but he didn't let Ashton get away with it.

 

“I don't know what to do.”

 

Ashton rolled his eyes but didn't leave the room quite yet.

 

“You can play guitar?” He offered.

 

“I spent all afternoon doing that. My fingers hurt too much.”

 

“Watch TV?”

 

“My parents don't want me to watch what's on at this hour.”

 

“Read a book?” His voice was a bit more annoyed, but Luke knew he wasn't really mad.

 

“Are you serious?” He snorted because that was the most boring idea. Ashton sighed from annoyance and gave Luke an irritated smile, raising his hands in abandon.

 

“I don't know man, jack off.” He turned on his heels and left the room. Luke was perplexed.

 

“What does that mean?” He asked, raising his voice a bit so Ashton could hear him. He came back slowly, a disconcerted look on his face.

 

“You don't know what it is? Jerking off? Having a wank?” Luke shook his head. Ashton sighed loudly and went into the hall again. “Why don't your brothers teach you anything! I'm coming back. Just wait on the bed.”

 

Luke was really intrigued by what Ashton was about to show him and even a little apprehensive, but he trusted Ashton. It didn't take too long before he was back in the room with what seemed to be magazines that he threw in front of the oblivious boy.

 

“Your brother is so bad at hiding stuff.”

 

Luke looked down and noticed there were naked women on the front pages of the magazines. He swallowed hard. Ashton closed the door behind him and joined Luke on the bed, sitting crossed legs and facing the apprentice.

 

“Okay, Luke. Has your dick ever been hard?”

 

“Is that when it gets bigger?” He asked shyly.

 

“Yeah.” Luke nodded. “Great! Have you ever touched it when it was like that?”

 

“Why for?” Luke absolutely didn't get it. Where was he heading with this? Ashton chuckled mischievously at the question.

 

“That's what wanking off is. You touch your dick and it feels good and at the end you come.”

 

“Come where?”

 

“In a tissue, hopefully.” Luke was completely lost, and he was pretty sure it was visible on his face basing on how Ashton was laughing his ass off. “You'll understand when you'll do it. Just choose a porno and a page that you like.”

 

This was way too awkward for Luke. He took his hands off of his thighs where they had been since Ashton came back and chose one of the magazines without really looking before opening a page randomly.

 

Wow.

 

Those boobs were not realistic.

 

“What now?”

 

“Just touch your dick.”

 

Like to prove his point, Ashton just did it, fixing the naked picture intently.

 

Luke hesitated for a moment. All his life, his parents told him not to touch himself _there_ in front of other people because it's weird and you just can't do that, but here he was, about to do it because Ashton told him to. He was so obedient with the older boy. He had too much power over him. Ashton looked at him after a moment, realising he was just staring at him. Luke blushed and hasten to look at the picture and palm himself over his jeans, just like Ashton did.

 

It was strange. He was a bit uncomfortable because he couldn't just stare at a picture of some woman he didn't even know, and he could hear Ashton's breathing next to him, but he eventually got hard because he was twelve and once it happened when he was watching Bugs Bunny so it didn't take that much.

 

He was starting to get bored but then Ashton unbuttoned his pants to put his hand inside. Luke looked away quickly but mimicked the action so his hand was under his boxers. It was... pleasant. Nothing spectacular, but nothing that made him want to stop. At some point, Ashton made a weird noise that caught Luke's attention and made him look at the other boy.

 

His ears and his neck were redder than usual. His jaw was clenched, and his chest was moving up and down fast. His arm muscles tight.

 

Luke felt his inside twist and he whimpered without warning. He turned his head back to the magazine before Ashton could catch him staring, but Luke could see from the corner of his eyes that the other boy was grinning, probably proud of his idea and feeling cocky of the success it had.

 

After a moment, Ashton dropped his pants and underwear to his knees. For better access, Luke guessed. And obviously he did the same because he was such a follower and so not experimented.

 

It did give him an easier grip. Freer. It felt better too. He really didn't understand why. What was the science behind it? What was happening in his member for it to get bigger and stand up? He was tempted to stop and research it on the internet, but then Ashton made another noise -a _moan_ \- and moved next to him. It made Luke grip tighter and stroke faster.

 

Luke couldn't resist glancing at his brother's best friend again. His eyes were close and his mouth half open, his head tilted back. He wasn't sitting upright anymore, only his shoulder blades still touching the wall. Luke could see his forearm veins, and something happened in his guts. It felt tight and desperate and it _scared_ him. He stopped abruptly, eyes wide and panicked. Ashton slowed down and looked at him. “What's up?”

 

“Something's happening.”

 

“Just keep going, it's normal.”

 

“What is it?” Luke was anxious, Ashton smirked.

 

“You're gonna come.”

 

He putted his other hand on Luke's arm to encourage him to go on. He still wasn't very convinced, but he did it anyway.

 

He felt Ashton's hand slide up his arm before its warmth disappeared as the boy returned to his previous speed. The feeling in Luke's stomach came back, making him pump faster instinctively. Ashton was starting to make noises again.

 

The older was moving his hand faster than ever and whimpered -freaking whimpered. “Oh, God,” he mumbled in a chocked-out noise.

 

That's when it happened. That indescribable feeling that made Luke's eyes roll back in his head and cry out. It took a moment before he could catch his breath and open his eyes. He felt exhausted, entirely empty inside, but in a good way.

 

He tilted his head to the side and watched as Ashton was going through the same thing. Watching him arch his back and bite down on his lower lip made Luke's dick twitch painfully. He noticed some white substance coming out of Ashton. He looked down and realized he had some on his hand too. When he brought his eyes back up, Ashton was bringing his pants up. He got out of the bed and grabbed a tissue to clean up his hand. He took another one and gave it to Luke.

 

“I'm going to bed now.”

 

That's all he said before he exited the room, leaving Luke overwhelmed with everything that he discovered. He cleaned the white stuff on his hand and took his jeans off, throwing them on the floor, before he let himself fall on his bed. As he closed his eyes, he reminded himself to make some research the next day.


	2. When You Least Expect It

Luke was definitely different. His browser historic showed that, unlike most boys of his age, he was not interested in girls and his preoccupations were most likely unpopular. Unless his peers were fond of boy on boy porn. Luke doubted it. It was his thing, his little secret.

Apart from that, Luke's year 8 was quite calm and uneventful. He started his second year of secondary school and packed himself with resolutions about being a better student, work on his guitar and avoid Michael Clifford to stay out of trouble. He still didn't have many friends, except for that girl sitting behind him in math with whom he exchanged glances and funny notes, and his neighbor, Jules, that was one year younger and walked with him to go to school.

Fortunately for Luke, boys don't really start their puberty before they're fifteen, so he didn't have to worry that his classmates would suddenly become incredibly hot and that he would get awkward boners all the time for a couple of months still. 

That only happened, like, three times a week. 

Okay, it was already pretty bad, but, at least, he wouldn't get a crush. He had only start to get comfortable with his sexuality and he didn't feel ready for the emotional stuff to come and add pain in his life. His sexual frustrations were well enough for now. 

And maybe, sometimes, he thought of that night he jerked off next to Ashton to help himself get off and deal with his unfulfillment when he didn't find anything interesting on Redtube. Maybe.

Luke liked to think of that year as the epitome of his goody two shoes status. Literally nothing particular happened until one day in January. Luke partially blamed it on Jack, but mostly on Ashton to be honest. Because Ashton was an asshole.

It all started fun and simple, Jack and Ashton had organized a pool party at the Hemmings' house to celebrate the end of summer. They invited a bunch of friends and allowed Luke to hang out with them. The day had actually started great: The pool was the perfect temperature, the music was good, they had enough chips and Coca to last a week. It was just terrific. For Luke low standards anyway.

Luke was laying on a towel next to the pool, subtly watching Ashton and Jack splashing around, admiring Ashton's wet figure (in a totally scientific way, not because Ashton was sixteen and growing a couple of inches and great biceps) when some dude -Ryan he thinks- called a game of spin the bottle not so far from him.

He thought at their age they would have stopped playing that -even his year didn't really do it anymore- but he guessed Ryan wanted to make out so much that he abandoned his pride and dignity, and their other friends followed.

Luke sat up to watch the game while pretending to be sunbathing. He saw Ashton and his brother get out of the water, probably to join the group, but was surprised -and delighted- when Ashton sat next to him.

“You're not going to go play with your friends?” Luke asked, even though he didn't want Ashton to kiss pretty girls.

“No. They're not my friends, they're Jack's. Anyway, this game is way to juvenile.” He said that with a neutral expression and a bit of friendly mocking tone at the end, but something felt off. Like he was annoyed. 

Luke nodded, half trying to understand what was up with the boy, half simply content that he wasn't going to play.

“Spin again, Ryan. It doesn't count.” 

The two boys sitting on the towel looked up to the circle, attention caught by the words next to them.

“Why wouldn't it count?” Jack demanded, confused.

“Because we're both guys. We can't kiss.”

“Of course you can.” Luke was surprised to realise it was Ashton who had just talked, still neutral.

“No, I can't kiss a boy. It's in the rules.”

“There's no rules in spin the bottle. Gosh, Rob, you're so stupid! It's a kissing game, you just gotta kiss. It doesn't matter what gender the bottle lands on.”

Now he was clearly annoyed. Luke assumed Ashton didn't like Rob very much.

“But I'm not gay.”

“So what? You think because you kiss another guy for a game it makes you gay? Don't you have any confidence in your sexuality?”

Damn. Ashton was roasting that guy like he had been thinking about his replies for years. Luke admired everything that he said because, as a young homosexual, he was a bit pissed at Rob too.

“What does my confidence have to do in all this? I'm not gay, I'm not gonna kiss another boy. That's it. You're talking shit, Irwin.”

“Don't you understand anything? You can kiss someone of the same sex even if you're straight. It doesn't mean anything. Look.”

And that's when Ashton turned Luke's face towards him and press their lips together. Luke was taken off guard and didn't really understand what was happening for a at least five seconds. It was enough time for Ashton to kiss him properly. Not just a pec, like with Suzie. A kiss with lips that are moving and fitting together.

When Ashton moved away, his right hand was still on Luke's cheek and the younger boy's eyes were wide open. When he finally proceeded what happened, he got up and almost ran to his bedroom as he felt the tears building up behind his eyes.

No.

He was not going to cry for this. This was ridiculous.

He closed his door behind him and walked around in his room to try to calm himself down. 

He hated Ashton. He hated Ashton Irwin. He hated Ashton for stealing his first kiss. His first real kiss. His first real kiss with a boy. He hated Ashton because it didn't mean anything for him. He hated Ashton for being so selfish. He hated Ashton for being straight.

“Luke can I come in?”

Ashton was outside of the room. His voice was normal, nonchalant. It didn't sound like he felt bad. Luke hated him.

“No.”

“C'mon.” Ashton opened the door anyway and watched as Luke stopped walking to look at him angrily. “What's the matter?”

“Get the fuck out of my room.” It fell out of his mouth on its own, but he couldn't find something that would have been more appropriate to say.

“Why are you mad at me?” Ashton was looking at him with a clueless expression, confused by Luke's wrath.

“Are you kidding me? You just stole my first kiss, you fuck twad.” Luke couldn't stop the cursing, he needed it. It was like it was his first language.

Normally, Luke would have probably been embarrassed to admit that his first kiss was something so important to him. He was a romantic, he couldn't deny it. And in some kind of way, he felt like it was an important step in the acceptation of his sexuality. Ashton had taken that away from him and he couldn't care less if he looked sappy in front of the older boy.

“No, I did not. You kissed a girl once.”

“It was a fucking pec. I was 12, it didn't count!” Ashton looked down. He seemed sad for Luke and to feel a little bit guilty. “Maybe it's nothing to you, but it's important to me.”

“Look.” He scratched the back of his head in discomfort, “I'm sorry you didn't want me to be your first kiss. I guess you would have rather it be with some hot chick from your year, but at least you can tell yourself that the first person that kissed you actually cared about you.”

'No, you don't understand. I wanted you to be my first kiss, but not like that. I didn't want it to be with a hot chick. I wanted you. I wanted you because I'm gay.' Luke thinks, but he doesn't say it. He doesn't say anything and Ashton leaves.

Luke hates Ashton. He hates Ashton, but he's going to forgive him because that's what he does. Because he likes him.

Luke likes Ashton.

“Fuck.”

\--

The next months were... Weird. Unnatural.

Luke was mainly busy having his existential crisis at the early age of 14 years old after he realised he liked Ashton. Like-like Ashton. Like I-Would-Date-Him-And-Give-Him-My-Last-Crisp type of like. Ashton Irwin, his brother's best friend that he would see almost every day for the rest of Jack's existence in this house. A guy he could never get. It just sucked.

The only solution he found was to avoid the other boy at all cost. When he would come over, Luke would lock himself in his room to do his homeworks, play guitar and die inside knowing the boy of his dreams was so close, but he couldn't see him. He even started writing songs to let his feelings out. That's how much of a sap Ashton made him. He did that for five months.

At some point, Ashton must have taken the hint because Jack and he stopped hanging out at their house, but instead at the Irwin's or some other friend's. Luke didn't know how to feel about that. He was relieved but felt mostly guilty.

That year, Ashton's dad sent him a card for his birthday. After that, Ashton ceased seeing anyone. Even Jack could hardly talk to him. Luke would often catch him eating alone at school with his headphones on. 

It made things easier to avoid him because he wasn't trying to talk to Luke in the hallways anymore, but at the same time it was killing the blond. Even though he was trying not to, he liked the older boy and he wanted him to feel better, but he didn't know what to do. No one did.

It took about a month, but Ashton started talking to Jack again. He said he needed some time for himself to think about his father, but that he was okay now. Luke was happy that Ashton felt better, but it was also the come back of his entire evenings stuck in his bedroom and lunch time in music class.

Although this situation was frustrating, Luke would have to get use to it. Crushing on straight dudes would be a part of his life for probably the rest of his high school years since the gay community was almost non-existing before college.

That's another thing that bothered him in his what-is-my-life phase. He had no one to talk to. He still didn't have any close friends, nor did he have the courage to tell his family about his sexuality. Not that he feared that they were going to reject him, just a bit scared they would be disappointed or worried. 

It would have just been nice if there was someone like him he could have talked to. Someone that could understand. It was so obsessing for Luke, he almost blurted it out when his English teacher asked him what he thought of To Kill A Mockingbird.

Yeah. Luke definitely needed to tell someone. 

He just never thought that person would be Michael Clifford.

One day, he was spending his lunch time as usual in the little soundproof room on the music floor, practicing his song for the talent show his music teacher had almost forced him to participate to. 

He liked this room for it was quiet and no one ever used it at this time of the day. He was left alone and that's all he wanted, really. But, to add to his newfound luck, that's when Michael Clifford, of all people, the guy he hated with a burning passion, decided to barge in with his lunch bag and a guitar case.

“What are you doing here?” Michael asked harshly after freezing in the doorframe.

“Well, judging by the fact that I'm in a music room with a guitar in my hands, I'd say I'm playing guitar.”

“Stop playing smart, Hemmings. Get out. I wanna use the room.”

“Well take a seat if you want, but I'm not leaving. I need to practice for the talent show.”

Michael raised an eyebrow and sat down on the chair in front of Luke. He put his lunch bag on the ground next to him and opened his guitar case, eyeing Luke all the while.

“You're doing the talent show?” Surprisingly, his voice wasn't mocking, but intrigued.

“Yeah...” 

Where was this going? Why was Michael suddenly interested in his life? Was he going to pick on him harder if he knew more? 

“Mr. Tucker is making me do it.”

At that, Michael laughed. Actually laughed. Not the snickering he would usually do when Luke was speaking. Real, honest to God laugh like they were friends sharing funny stories. Okay, maybe not that much, but it wasn't insulting for once.

“Yeah, he makes me do it too.”

“Oh.”

Luke didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know Michael played guitar. Or, at least, played enough to do the talent show.

“So,” Michael said after a while of according his guitar in silence. “What song will you grace us with?”

Ah. The mocking was back. Luke should have expected it.

“Secrets by Good Charlotte,” he mumbled, looking at Michael through suspicious eyes.

Michael snorted.

“That shit is gay.”

Luke still don’t know to this day if it was his annoyance of the boy and the fact that he was so sick of hearing comments like that everyday, or if he just cruelly needed friends to talk to, but it’s probably for one of these reasons he said what he said next with the most jaded tone he had ever heard himself use.

“Yeah, well, so am I. Guess it’s the perfect song then.”

It’s after he pronounced those damn words who would change his life that he realised what a terrible mistake he had made.

Luke and Michael stared at each other in silence with wide eyes for what felt like an eternity. It’s only when Michael opened his mouth to say something that it hit Luke. Before he could stop it, he was sobbing uncontrollably and dying of embarrassment. He was crying so much he was choking on air and trying desperately to wipe his tears with his shirt.

Michael was looking at him with terrified eyes. 

“I’m,” Luke was trying to make a sentence, but it was harder than he anticipated between the sobs. “I’m so sorry.”

He got up abruptly from his chair and picked his guitar up, knocking down his music stand and sheets. He couldn’t stop crying and apologizing while trying to exit the room and escape this suffocating situation.

“Wait,” Michael said desperately, getting up to hold Luke back. “It’s okay. I won’t tell. It’s okay.” 

He seemed sincere, but Luke wouldn’t have it and tried to push Michael out of his way.

“Me too.”

That made Luke stopped. He looked back at Michael with a questioning expression, trying to figure out what he meant by that.

“I’m gay too. Well, bisexual, but yeah.”

That. That Luke didn’t expect. He kept looking at Michael, not quite sure if he was saying the truth, or if he was just making fun of him. The other boy must have caught on Luke doubts because he grabbed both Luke’s arms to make sure the younger boy was looking him in the eyes.

“It’s true. I swear. I have a boyfriend.”

He had a- What?

“You what?” Luke finally got out of his mutism and, somewhere along the way, stopped crying profusely. 

“I have a boyfriend. It’s Calum.”

Now it felt like a weirdly elaborated joke. But, at the same time, Michael would never bring Calum into his mean pranks. His best friend was way too nice to do something like that.

“You’re dating Calum?”

“Yeah. We’ve been together since last summer.”

This, for some reason, made Luke cracked up. He was laughing so much his stomach hurt. Michael probably thought he was crazy.

“What?” Michael asked. “What’s so funny?”

“I can’t believe, out of all people in this school, you’re the one I came out to.” Luke laughed. “And you’re gay!”


	3. Life Goes On

“Wow Luke! You’re living room is so nice. I had never seen it before!”

 

“Oh shut up, Michael.”

 

There are things in life that you can’t come back from. Luke and Michael coming out in a music room two months prior was one of them. They didn’t really know how, but from that moment on they were friends.

 

Luke being friend with Michael meant being friend with Calum too. The two other boys had been best friends since forever and Luke didn’t expect it to change. He didn’t have a problem with it, far from it. He had wanted to be friends with Calum since he first talked to him in 7th grade. Luke didn’t think Calum would want that though, even if the Kiwi boy was always nice to him. He was just too cool for Luke.

 

That’s what the blond thought anyway, before he started hanging out with him and Michael. Now, Luke felt like he had known his new best friends forever. Turns out that, even though they got along with almost everyone, their inner circle was really small. Just the two of them, actually. And Luke, now.

 

They had decided to go at Luke’s after school to study. They only had 12 days until finals week. They usually hanged out in his room since Ashton was also often over to work on projects with Jack, but today there was no sign of them when the boys got inside. They took this opportunity to procrastinate their work and play FIFA in the living room instead.

 

“I’m just saying, you can’t let Ashton make you uncomfortable in your own house. Just talk to him, you won’t die.”

 

“Leave him alone, Michael,” Calum interjected, amused. “He’s scared his little crush will be revealed to the world.”

 

“You two need to stop mocking me,” Luke said to defend himself. “This is not a ‘little crush’, it’s my current life crisis, thank you.”

 

“It’s been a year, get over it,” replied Michael, tactless. “And either he doesn’t know, or he doesn’t mind, because he always speaks to you at school.”

 

“Saying hi in the hallways and asking me if I’ve seen Jack is not what I consider always speaking.”

 

“You were ignoring him when he was trying to talk to you three months ago, give him a chance.”

 

It’s true. For a couple of months, he avoided Ashton to the point of being rude. He wouldn’t say he was completely ignoring him, though. More like limiting his interactions with awkward smiles and silent hello.

 

He stopped that stupid behaviour and started talking briefly, but nicely, when Ashton approached him at school after the whole “birthday card from his dad” was over. He figured Ashton was having enough of a rough time as it was.

 

“Whatever Michael,” responded Luke. “I only have one year left of this before he and Jack leave for uni. After that, I will be the freest man alive.”

 

“You’re ridiculous,” laughed Calum. “And you suck at FIFA.”

 

“Not as much as Michael.”

 

“Shut up, you dick!”

 

Michael threw a pillow at his face, making him lose balance and drop the controller, which gave Calum a solid advantage and made him score his winning goal. Some screaming of joy from Calum and frustration from Luke followed. That’s probably why they didn’t hear the door opening and the two boys making their way to the living room.

 

“Hey guys,” greeted Jack. “Oh, FIFA! Sweet!”

 

Luke’s brother jumped over the couch and grabbed the abandoned controller on the ground. Within seconds, thanks to him knowing the game like the back of his hand, a new game against Calum was started and Luke knew there was no stopping it.

 

“Hey!” Luke exclaimed. “I was playing.”

 

“No,” Jack retorted. “You had just lost, like you always do.”

 

“Rude,” Luke mumbled.

 

“Stop being a baby,” Calum shushed him. “You’ll play next round.”

 

“Fine,” he mumbled.

 

Luke readjusted himself in his seat and looked back at where Ashton was standing, leaning against the back of the couch. It felt like a reflex, as if his eyes were attracted to Ashton like magnets.

 

“Hey Luke,” Ashton said with a smile. Luke loved that smile. It made him want to giggle like school girl.

 

“Hey.”

 

Ashton didn’t reply, he just smiled more. Luke couldn’t keep looking at his face, or he would melt right there, on the spot, and his mum would be furious he soiled the couch. So, he looked down, half not to have his heart explode, half to hide the smile he couldn’t get rid off. That’s when he noticed the sticks in Ashton’s left hand.

 

“You play drum?” Luke asked. He immediately felt dumb because he knew Ashton had a drum and played a little -he’d bought one in a garage sell not long after giving Luke his guitar- so he felt the need to develop. “I mean, enough to carry your drumsticks around?”

 

“Yeah,” Ashton nodded. “I started playing more seriously at the beginning of school year.”

 

“Oh,” Luke said. He didn’t realise how much he had missed by avoiding Ashton. “That’s cool.”

 

Ashton looked like he was about to add something but was interrupted by Jack throwing the controller at Luke, which he managed to catch almost graciously.

 

“You’re turn, loser.”

 

“Oh! Can I play against you?” Ashton asked.  
  
Luke and his brother turned around to look at the boy with proper shocked expressions. They were never, in a million years, expecting that.

 

“You hate FIFA,” Luke finally responded.

 

“What?” Michael almost choked. “What do you mean you hate FIFA?”

 

“Everyone likes FIFA,” Calum added.

 

“I don’t _hate_ FIFA,” Ashton defended. “I’m just not really good at it.” He paused like he was done explaining himself, but the other boys kept looking at him with insistent stares. “I’m warming up to it, okay? So, can I play next round against Luke?”

 

Oh, right. Luke had forgotten this included him. He already had a longest conversation with Ashton in the last ten minutes than he had in months, and he didn’t know if he could handle more.

 

“Um, actually,” he said, looking for a way to get out of this. “We need to go study. For finals, you know?”

 

He could see the annoyance in his friends’ eyes. They thought he was pathetic for trying to get away from Ashton so much. He was often talking about how he wished he could still spend time with the hazel eyes’ boy, so their annoyance was justified. But, as good friends, they didn’t object him and followed him to his bedroom.

 

When he closed his door behind him, Michael and Calum turned around to give him the dirtiest looks.

 

“You’re ridiculous, Luke,” Michael said.

 

“And you’re gay,” Luke replied.

 

“I’m bi. Stop bi-erasing me!”

 

“Well, you like guys and that’s what’s important because that’s what I’m gonna be shaming you for.”

 

The tiniest smile formed on Luke’s face while he was saying his last sentence. He didn’t mind annoying his friends with his love problems. He knew they loved him anyway and, if he was going to put them through hours of complaining about having a crush on Ashton, then he sure wasn’t going to get offended when they called him out on his ridiculous behaviour.

 

“I fucking hope he likes boy,” Calum said before giving Michael a quick kiss on the cheek.

 

Luke couldn’t help to be jealous of his friends. They were so young, yet they had already found love. After all, what were the odds that two best friends turned out to be gay and be into each other? It’s not like they already knew when they became friends in kindergarten. Not to talk about the fact that they were comfortable enough to be out. Not at school, only to their families, but still.

 

Luke wished he could do all of this: tell the truth, be himself, be in a relationship, kiss a guy and maybe do more than that.

 

Luke mostly wished he didn’t have feelings for a straight guy.

 

…

 

Luke spent his summer with Michael and Calum at the beach, checking out the life guards, avoiding his house, and still wishing he could flirt and have a summer love like every other kid his age.

 

It was a good summer, though.

 

…

 

Year 10 was definitely better than the one before. The work was harder, sure, and Luke’s grades were lower than they had been since the beginning of secondary school, but at least he had friends.

 

He spent pretty much all of his time with Michael and Calum. The only exception was Thursday nights; Calum had footie practice, so he usually went to Michael’s and played guitar.

 

After his sixteenth birthday, Luke got a job at the movie theater close to his house. His mum knew the manager from high school, so he got hired almost right away. It gave him enough money to buy CDs and some Maccas, and he only worked on Friday nights and Saturday afternoons. It made him feel independent and responsible, and if he saved enough, he could probably afford concert tickets once in a while.

 

It was too bad that Luke had just now something to do with his life, because Ashton had also gotten a job at KFC at the beginning of the school year. He wanted to buy a car before going to uni. This meant he wasn’t around as much as usual. Well, he was still at their house at least three times a week, but still. This would have been perfect, like, a year ago.

 

Anyway, this meant Luke had barely seen Ashton in two months, which felt weird since he wasn’t even trying to avoid him anymore.

 

To be honest, it kind of felt good. He was not as nervous and miserable as before. It was way easier to not live with Ashton’s absence when the older boy wasn’t only a floor away from him.

 

Luke finally felt like Ashton wasn’t ruling his life and mind anymore, that’s why it surprised him even more to find the hazel eyed boy sitting alone at the dining table at 2am when he got back from his shift at the movies.

 

“Sorry!” Ashton said after Luke had open the kitchen light and jump back at the sight of the other boy. “Didn’t mean to scare you. I can’t sleep.”

 

“It’s okay,” Luke assured after his initial shock.

 

Luke made himself a glass of milk and grabbed the box of chocolate chip cookies before sitting down at the dining table as well.

 

“How was work?” Ashton asked.

 

“It was okay,” Luke answered. He didn’t really know what else to say. They hadn’t made small talks in more than a year and nothing exciting had happen at work. “So,” he finally said after a silence. “Why can’t you sleep?”

 

“The stress of upcoming finals is killing me,” he answered, laughing a little and rubbing his face with both hands.

 

“Oh. Already?”

 

They were only at the end of September and finals weren’t until mid November, so it was weird that Ashton was _already_ worrying about this. Studies for finals hadn’t even started yet.

 

“I know,” he said, “It’s just that I got this scholarship for college, but my grades need to stay high. If I get lower than 75% on one of my final exam, I lose it. I would still be able to go to college, but it would help so much, and I would feel better knowing my mom didn’t have to worry about this.”

 

Luke stayed silent for a moment. He didn’t know Ashton had this much pressure on his shoulders. He knew Ashton’s family wasn’t the richest, far from it, but he didn’t know this was a subject of stress for Ashton. He felt sad for him. He wished he could help.

 

“So, yeah. You know,” Ashton breathed out with a small smile, probably trying to break the awkward silence.

 

“But you’re good at school. You shouldn’t have to worry,” Luke blurted out, wanting to reassure the older boy so badly.

 

“Yeah, well,” Ashton sighed. “I kinda struggle with science.”

 

“I could help you!” Luke exclaimed, probably too loudly for his quiet sleeping house. “I’m great at science.”

 

Ashton laughed and rubbed his eyes, visibly tired now.

 

“You’re two years younger than me, Luke.”

 

“I could still help you study, or something.”

 

Ashton looked at him with the fondest smile Luke had ever seen on his face. He putted his hand on Luke shoulder and patted it gently.

 

“You’re sweet, but no thanks. I will be fine. Worry about your own finals, okay?”

 

Luke nodded, disappointed that his help was declined. Ashton got up and started making his way towards Jack’s room but stopped before turning the corner of the hallway and turned around.

 

“Thanks, Luke. For the talk.”

 

Luke simply nodded, again, and watched the other boy leave. It was the first time he hadn’t try to avoid Ashton since there kiss, two summers ago.

 

\---

 

“Dude, I’m telling you. The party will be awesome! The best you’ll ever go to.”

 

Luke raised his eyes from the bowl of cereal he was eating while fighting not to fall back asleep. He chewed his mouthful of Cheerios slowly, the energy of the day not existing in his body yet, in contrary to his brother who seemed more awake than ever as he was talking to Ashton on the phone.

 

“What party?” He asked after Jack had hung up.

 

His brother put bread in the toaster and sat down next to Luke, tapping on the table, probably to poorly imitate a drumroll.

 

“Mom and dad said I could throw a party next weekend to celebrate the end of high school.”

 

Luke stared at his brother with disbelief. He didn’t know what his parents were thinking. Jack was quite the party animal and was friend with pretty much everyone in his year. The house was sure to be trashed after that.

 

“Cool. Can I come?”

 

“Sure, man. It’s gonna be the biggest party of the year! You can even bring Michael and Calum if you want, but just them okay? I don’t want to have too much Year 10 over.”

 

“You say that like I have other friends,” Luke laughed lazily.

 

“I don’t know, man. Maybe you got a girl you would like to impress.” Jack winked at Luke and elbowed him on the side. “Actually, if it’s a girl, you can bring her.”

 

He laughed and got up to get his toast before rushing to his room.

 

Luke swallowed his cereal with difficulty. He watched his brother disappear in the stairs and sighed silently. He should at least come out to his brother. He considered it for a moment with not as much anxiety as usual.

 

Hum.

 

Maybe he would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry not much happens in this chapter. It's more a transitioning one, but don't worry, more action is coming soon.


	4. Queen of Hearts

Luke hadn’t taken his brother seriously when he said this was going to be the biggest party of the year, but he realized that he actually meant it when he saw all the preparation Jack was putting into this.

 

It had started with him and Ashton coming over right after their last exam, of their last day of high school, and starting frenetically cleaning every room in the house. Luke’s mom was pretty happy about it and he was sure relief he had to go to work and couldn’t be brought into this.

 

Then, the next day, after their parents were gone, the boys strategically organized the house. They moved the furniture so that there would be enough space for two tables of beerpong in the living room, one in the dining room, and one in the basement. The two TVs of the house were put in the living room, each one plugged to a PS3 to create a big gaming station, next to the shelf with all the cards and board games that could be used for alcohol games. Finally, “No entry!” ribbons were installed at the doors of their parents’ room and the study, additional toilet paper was stacked in the bathrooms, and boxes for trash and cans were set in the kitchen and in the basement.

 

Luke could positively say he had never seen his brother work that hard on something. They had done all of this before Luke had to leave for work at 12:45. They claimed they still had a lot of shopping to do and, if Luke knew Jack correctly, he would say his brother needed at least an hour and a half to pick an outfit and do his hair.

 

Luke didn’t even know what to wear and, after his shift, you could bet his hair and face would be greasy and disgusting. As soon as the clock turned 8, he rushed out of the theatre to get home as quickly as possible to get ready. He only had an hour before people would start arriving to the party.

 

He was ready to jump on his bike and race to his house when he heard a car honking him. He turned around to see Ashton in his mom’s car, making signs for him to come over.

 

“Hey,” he greeted as Luke approached. “Put your bike on the rack and get in.”

 

Luke was very confused on why Ashton had been waiting for him outside of his job. Too confused to ask, actually. He just did as told and sat on the passenger seat.

 

“Had to go pick up some last minute things. Figured I could give you a ride back as well,” Ashton explained without Luke asking.

 

“Oh,” Luke nodded. “Thanks.”

 

They both fell silent for a couple of minutes. Luke hated that. Although he didn’t feel uncomfortable being in silence – he actually enjoyed not having to talk all the time – he didn’t want to be this awkward around the other boy. He wanted him to see Luke as someone cool he would like to hang out with.

 

“So,” Ashton finally said, “Is this your first party?”

 

“Yeah, obviously,” Luke snorted.

 

“Why so obvious?” Ashton asked, glancing at Luke before looking back at the road.

 

“Because I only have two friends and people in my year don’t appreciate me.”

 

“Why is that?” Ashton frowned.

 

“Because I don’t talk to them.”

 

Luke wasn’t really expecting it, but, after hearing this, Ashton exploded in laughter and had to cover his mouth with his hand to stop himself.

 

“Charming as ever, Luke Hemmings.”

 

A small smile appeared on Luke’s lips. It is true that he didn’t really make any effort to have friends. Even Michael and Calum had been an accident, technically. He just didn’t want to have to share his secret or lie to people he considered his friends. That’s why he had been isolating himself so much.

 

He turned his head to the side and let himself stare at Ashton. He was so beautiful in the dimming light of sunset. It sounded cliché and disgusting, and Luke wanted to punch himself in the face for thinking that, but it was true. Sunset was always a great lighting.

 

He hardly ever stared at Ashton so openly. It felt good. He felt confident. He wanted to be like Ashton: confident and unafraid of the world, no matter what crap it gave you. He wanted to be nice and sociable. He wanted to be smart and giving. He wanted to be a lot of things, but he was stuck being plain old Luke Hemmings.

 

“I appreciate you.”

 

Luke was forced out of his mind by Ashton’s words. He frowned.

 

“What?”

 

Ashton turned his head to look at him briefly.

 

“I appreciate you. Even if you don’t talk to me.”

 

Luke felt guiltiness washing down over his body and drowning him a little. He couldn’t seem to breath normally and he felt like crying.

 

“You’re too cool for me,” he mumbled jokingly to save face and pretend he was fine.

 

…

 

As soon as Ashton parked the car in front of the house, Luke jumped out and ran towards his room, shouting a quick “Thanks, Ash!”. He was in a desperate need of a shower and an even bigger desperate need of not being around Ashton. He started calming down only when the hot water hit his skin. _“It’s okay.”_ That’s what he wanted, minimizing his contacts with Ashton. He deserved it. The older boy only said the truth. That’s what he wanted.

 

That’s what he wanted.

 

When he got out of the shower, Michael and Calum were waiting for him in his room. Luke could also hear a couple of people downstairs, meaning the party was just starting.

 

“You creeps were waiting for me to come into my room naked, weren’t you?” Luke joked as a greeting for his friends as he took out underwear from his dresser.

 

“Oh, don’t worry,” replied Michael before glancing at Calum. “Neither of us has any interest in the male gender.”

 

His tone was slightly bitter. The Kiwi boy only scoffed and announced he was going to get himself a drink. Luke stared at his friend leaving the room with a confused expression before putting a shirt on.

 

“What the fuck was that?” Luke asked Michael when he felt Calum was far enough to not hear them.

 

“Ugh, nothing,” Michael groaned, rolling his eyes. “We had a fight before coming here.”

 

“What? You guys fight now?” Luke was surprised, they had never come across as the kind of couple who _fights_. Argue, maybe, but not fight.

 

“It’s just…” Michael sighed, clearly upset. Luke gave him an intended look, silently encouraging him to go on as he putted his jeans and socks on. “I’d like to be out at school, but Calum doesn’t want either of us to be.”

 

“That sounds a bit unfair,” Luke commented. “Why couldn’t you do it alone?”

 

“He’s scared that, if I come out, people will get suspicious about us and that it will be more difficult to hide our relationship.” He ran a hand through his hair, dishevelling it. “But the thing is, I’m kinda sick of hiding. He’s my boyfriend for Christ’s sake, not some terrible secret.”

 

Luke watched his friend, helpless. He didn’t know what to say. Michael should be able to come out if he wanted to, but he also understood Calum’s fear. Hell, Luke couldn’t even bring himself to come out to his own family that he knew for sure would accept him entirely. He couldn’t tell Calum to let his boyfriend come out and, realistically, have people at school start doubting his sexuality. After all, everyone knew Michael and Calum were best friend and always together. And it was high school, people would start gossiping. Still, it felt like it wasn’t fair for Michael.

 

“Whatever,” Michael sighed again. “It’s more important for Calum not to be out than it is for me to be. So I won’t do it.”

 

“If that’s what you think is right,” Luke simply said, not wanting to influence him with his opinion.

 

“Sorry about that,” Michael laughed nervously. “Let’s go enjoy our first party, shall we?”

 

And so, they went downstairs.

 

It got packed up pretty quickly. Luke sure was grateful that his house was big because by midnight there was almost 80 year 12 walking around, drinking and dancing the night away. Or that’s what it felt like for Luke, at least, who was drunker than he had ever been. He had never had more than two beers in the same night before. Jack had made it a mission to get his little brother completely wasted, and it was working pretty well. Luke had played beerpong against Jack (and lost) twice, he had consumed three Jell-O shots, and had stopped counting the number of strawberry Smirnoff Ice he had drank after four.

 

So yeah, he was pretty drunk and it felt great.

 

It was like alcohol made him more sociable and less nervous to be around other people. He didn’t feel the need to hide himself in fear of people finding out he was gay. After all, it’s not like anyone would find that out if he was simply talking music and TV shows with people.

 

“Dude, Good Charlotte used to be my favourite band!” Excitedly said the girl sat next to him on the couch.

 

“Honestly Jane, your music tastes are awesome. Why hasn’t Jack introduced us before?” He replied, probably laughing stupidly while so. Alcohol made him giggly.

 

“Well, he never said his little bro was so cool.”

 

She putted a hand on his forearm and took a sip of her drink. Luke laughed. They had only been talking for 15 minutes, but it felt like he had found a lifelong friendship. He looked around and saw Ashton at the kitchen counter watching him. He gave the younger boy a small smile and shook his head. Luke smiled big and bright at him, and Ashton left, laughing a little to himself.

 

Ashton looked so good that night. He was wearing a brown plaid shirt with the top buttons undone. It showed off his neck perfectly and Luke could almost see a bit of his collarbone. He wanted to kiss him there, ravage his neck with licking and biting that would leave him marks the next day. Luke never thought he was the possessive kind of guy, but right now, with an incredible amount of alcohol in his system, he wanted Ashton to be his, and he wanted people to know about it. He also knew it wasn’t going to happen, so he simply sighed and took another sip of his drink. He realized Jane was gone and he hadn’t seen her leave.

 

Calum sat down next to him. Luke couldn’t get if he was in a good mood or not, but he looked tired and unbalanced.

 

“You alright?” Asked Luke.

 

“Yeah. I think I’m gonna stop drinking though. I had enough.”

 

Luke nodded, but he had already forgotten Calum had answered him because he saw Ashton at the end of the living room talking to a group of people. Luke breath caught in his throat as the older boy ran a hand through his hair, leaving them slightly dishevelled. It was very hot.

 

“God,” Luke whined as he was leaning to Calum’s ear. “I want to kiss Ashton so badly.”

 

Calum chuckled lightly. “You’re adorable.”

 

“I’m not adorable,” he slurred, offended. “I also want to have sex with him. A lot of sex. I’m not pure.”

 

“Jesus Christ, Luke,” Calum laughed. “Alright, alright. Now, keep it down if you don’t want people to find out.”

 

“You’re right,” he agreed politely. “Anyway, it’s not like it’s gonna happen. Move on, Luke!”

 

Luke laughed at himself and he would have expected Calum to do that to, but he simply looked at Luke with sad eyes, which the blond didn’t enjoy, but didn’t comment either.

 

“Who’s up for never have I ever?” Some guy asked.

 

Luke loved Never Have I Ever. Well, he had never actually played, but he knew the game and he had always wanted to play.

 

A fair amount of people joined the circle around the coffee table to play the game, Ashton and Jack included. Luke learned a lot of details he wishes he hadn’t about Calum and Michael’s sexuality, but himself hardly ever drank, only when one girl who wanted to drink talked about masturbation.

 

At some point, Jane, who had come back, noticed and called him out on it, to which he replied: “I’m a sixteen years old with two friends, don’t act so surprised.” They didn’t buy it, though, since Calum was technically in the same position as him. The whole circle started to say the most daily things they could think of just to get him to drink. Luke didn’t understand how he was suddenly the attraction of the party, but, for once, he didn’t mind the attention. He even almost liked it.

 

“Never have I ever,” started a girl while looking at Luke intently. He laughed because he knew it was, again, going to be something easy, and he was a little bit sick of drinking, but he couldn’t do anything other than comply in his state. “Kissed someone.”

 

Luke eyebrows perched up and he watched the impressive amount of year 12 that seemed so interested in his life with a little grin as his drink remained between his legs. She frowned, and some reactions were heard around the circle. A reaction he wasn’t expecting, though, was Ashton’s.

 

“That’s not true,” he objected. “I know for a fact you’ve kissed someone.”

 

Luke stared at Ashton for what felt like too long for a normal discussion. Maybe Luke didn’t notice it the last time, but Ashton looked way more drunk than a couple of minutes ago. Maybe that’s why he spoke up. Luke didn’t know if Ashton was referring to his kiss with Suzie Brown in year 7 or their own kiss two years ago. He hoped it was Suzie Brown.

 

“Spin the bottle kiss doesn’t count.”

 

“I know.”

 

Luke breathe got caught in his throat again, but for a different reason this time. They hadn’t talk about it since the day it happened.

 

“Being kissed by someone who’s trying to prove a point doesn’t count either, Ashton.”

 

His words were full of meaning and he was happy the people around them were too drunk to notice. Ashton looked down for a second and lost a little bit of his smile, but Jack barged in with another question and it was like all of this didn’t happen. Except Ashton didn’t look over at Luke anymore. After a couple of minutes, he left the game. Maybe Luke had made him uncomfortable. He felt guilty, he had been harder on the drummer than he had needed to be.

 

They kept playing for a little while until it naturally dissolved. Soon, Luke realized no one he knew was around and he felt overwhelmed. His introvert nature had finally caught back to him and he suddenly really wanted to be alone. Or, at least, not in the middle of a crowd of strangers.

 

He made his way towards his room. It was dark, but he didn’t bother touching the interrupter because the moon light made its way through his window, softly illuminating the bed and desk. He wanted to sleep, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to with the party still going on downstairs. He also would have to say goodbye to Calum and Michael before, and he really didn’t feel like searching for them right now.

 

He sat down on his bed and put his head in his hands. He felt empty of all his energy.

 

What was wrong with him? He had managed to be alright all night, to be normal for once in his life. He had been able to not be so bad at socializing, and not overthink. Why did he suddenly went back to how he usually was? Why couldn’t he stay good?

 

“Oh! Sorry. Didn’t know you were in there.”

 

Luke looked up to the person standing in his door frame. It was Ashton. He didn’t know why he thought he needed to look, he knew the boy’s voice like it was its favourite singer’s.

 

“Hey,” he mumbled, rubbing his face with his hands. “What are you doing?”

 

“I was just looking for somewhere to be alone.” He seemed pretty drunk.

 

“Well,” Luke arched an eyebrow. “I’d offer to leave, but this is my room, and I came here to be alone first.”

 

Ashton’s eyes opened widely. “Oh God, I’m sorry, I’ll find another room.”

 

Luke cracked up. “I’m kidding, Ash. Well, not entirely, but you can stay if you want.”

 

“Oh.”

 

He closed the door behind him and sat down next to Luke on the bed. He turned on the desk lamp and turned around to stare at Luke for a moment.

 

“I’m not leaving, though,” said Luke. Ashton laughed softly, shaking his head.

 

“I know.” He kept looking at Luke with this little smile and those soft eyes.

 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Luke asked, confused.

 

“I’m just… very drunk,” he chuckled. “Why aren’t you downstairs? You seemed to be enjoying the party so far.”

 

“I guess I just went back to normal.”

 

“And how is that?” Ashton cocked his head to the side, like he really didn’t know.

 

“You know, not good at talking to people,” he said, looking down, embarrassed to highlight his flaws to Ashton.

 

“That’s not true,” the other boy refuted. “You’ve been able to hold a conversation, and even about complex subjects, at least since you were eight. I still remember when you talked to me about penguins for a solid hour after you watched that documentary on Arctic animals. And I always love our talks.” He seemed genuine, but then he had a hesitation. “Well, we haven’t had a lot of those in the past years, but I did. Love it.”

 

Luke was left without words. He didn’t know what to say. Nothing he could say would be able to excuse how he acted towards Ashton for the past two years. He felt so bad he couldn’t even look at the boy.

 

“Why?” Ashton asked. “Why did you stop talking to me?”

 

_Because you kissed me._ Luke thought, but he didn’t say anything. It would imply too much that he wasn’t ready to go into yet, especially not with Ashton. He sighed.

 

“I just,” he paused, licking his lips, searching for the right words. “I’ve just been dealing with a lot. In my head. It hasn’t been easy being…” He made vague gestures towards himself with his hands. “I think I just needed to shut people off.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Ashton said sadly. “That sucks.”

 

Luke nodded. He felt weird to have shared such depressing thoughts. They had fell in silence. He didn’t want Ashton to feel bad or concerned for him. He thought making a joke could lightened up the mood.

 

“And, you know, you’re too cool for me to talk to anyway.”

 

It was his second time telling that joke that night. Ashton didn’t move. He kept looking right in front of him and biting his lips. It seemed like he was debating saying something in return. He wasn’t taking it as well as the first time.

 

“You know, maybe that’s really why you don’t talk to me anymore. You’ve never seen me as a real person, just your brother’s “cool” friend. How could you have a relationship with someone that you don’t know, that you only have an idea of who they are?”

 

He sounded pissed and Luke didn’t know what to say. He was shocked that those words would come out of Ashton’s mouth, especially with such anger. Luke felt deeply sad that Ashton would think that. It wasn’t true.

 

“Ashton,” he let out, powerless, “I don’t just see you as my cool brother’s friends. Maybe at the beginning when I was four, but I stopped thinking that a long time ago. Sure, I still find you cool, but I also know you’re a massive dork. I’ve seen you dance to Britney Spears in your batman pyjamas, remember?”

 

Ashton laughed a little, but it wasn’t completely sincere. “I just- I thought maybe you realized that I’m not such a great person.”

 

Luke heart broke when he heard those words. How could he even try to explain how much he loved the other boy and how loving him too much is what made them stop talking.

 

“Ashton, you’re probably the best person I know.” Ashton looked at him, unimpressed. “It’s true! You’re kind and generous, you make everyone laugh, you’re talented, you’re an amazing brother and you’ve let me sit with you on my first bus ride. You’re so smart and you put so much pressure on yourself that sometimes I worry you’re gonna break, and I don’t want that. I want you to be happy because you’re a great person and you deserve it. Got it?”

 

Ashton’s eyes were glassy. Luke felt like he had never been stared at so intensely, as if Ashton was trying to express all of his emotions through his eyes. It seemed like he was about to say something, but then he was just leaning forward and pressing his lips to Luke’s.

 

The blond was surprised, he wasn’t expecting this, never in a million of years, and he didn’t understand how it could be happening. He almost pulled away, but then Ashton’s hands were on his cheek and on his hip, and Luke couldn’t do anything but lean into the kiss.

 

He had dreamed of this nearly everyday for the past two years, but never had his heart beat so rapidly, never had his breath gotten taken away from his lungs so savagely, and never had he felt so complete. It was like he needed Ashton to fill the missing pieces he lacked to be comfortable in his own skin.

 

“Does this one count?” Ashton asked between two kisses.

 

Luke simply laughed and kissed him again. He naturally opened his mouth to deepen the kiss and let their tongues intertwined. Ashton leaned into him, laying Luke back down on the mattress, and resting on top of him.

 

He felt good. Every time Ashton’s tongue grazed his, or his hands glided on his sides, he wished he could get more of that feeling. He tried to grip the older boy’s face, to kiss him harder, but Ashton grabbed his wrists and pinned them down on the mattress. He started trailing kisses on his jaw and neck, until he reached his ear.

 

“Fuck, I really want you,” he breathed in his ear before kissing his neck again.

 

Luke’s breath got caught in his throat. “Me too.”

 

Ashton groaned a little and ravished Luke’s lips with an even hotter kiss. As if he had just been waiting for the approbation of the younger boy, Ashton immediately connected their groins and started rocking down.

 

Luke gasped. It felt good, but then again, he wished he could have more. He thrust back up, hoping it would increase the feeling. Ashton must had been thinking the same thing, because he reached his hand down between them to undo both of their jeans, groping Luke through his underwear at the same occasion.

 

Luke head fell back, and he bite his lower lip to prevent another gasp to escape him. Maybe it was because of the alcohol, or maybe it was because his dick had never been touched by anyone other than him, but Luke was convinced he could come just by Ashton stroking him and biting hickeys down on his neck.

 

Just as Ashton had reached into his boxer to touch his dick properly and Luke had felt like he was about to outburst under him, they heard a knock on the wall and Ashton was on his feet and out of the room before Luke could even comprehend why he was gone.

 

He was left alone, half undressed on his bed, almost wondering if he had dreamt it all.

 

He putted his jeans back on properly and slowly made his way downstairs to check if the party was still going on. He mostly needed to talk to Calum and Michael because he felt so fucked up and confused that he feared he would burst into tears at any moment without even understanding what he was feeling. The alcohol in his blood was probably not helping.

 

He found them pretty quickly, in the living room. Calum was leaning against the wall, looking furiously at a Michael who was being flirted with by a Year 12 brunette that seemed to love running her hand through his hair. Michael, on his side, was either oblivious or mad at Calum for making him stay in the closet. Luke hoped it was the first option.

 

Suddenly, as the brunette was giving Michael a kiss on the cheek, Calum stood up and walked towards them, pushing the girl rudely.

 

“Get the fuck away from my boyfriend!” He shouted before grabbing Michael’s face and kissing him more deeply than Luke had ever seen them make out. He then pushed a shocked Michael away and left the house without looking back. Michael ran after him quickly. Luke tried to follow, but Michael stopped him.

 

“Let me deal with this, okay?”

 

Luke could only nod and watch his best friend leave to something, he hoped, wouldn’t be the end of his relationship with Calum.

 

He felt defeated and couldn’t handle anything more happening that night. He went off to bed and fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

 

\--

 

The next morning, Luke felt like death. He pitifully made his way to the kitchen where Jack was rinsing empty beer bottles. No one else seemed to be around.

 

“About damn time you wake up. Help me clean up or it’s gonna take hours.”

 

“Can’t like,” Luke hesitated, “Ashton help you with that? It was your idea to throw a party.”

 

“He had to go,” Jack shrugged.

 

Luke was relieved. “Oh.”  


“And I graciously invited you to my party, so you must help out, you ungrateful brother.”

 

Luke laughed a littler and started picking up bowls of chips that were lying around. “Why did he have to leave?” He asked cautiously, trying to look natural and detached.

 

“He made out with a girl last night. They’re going on a date today.”

 

Luke froze. “W-What?”

 

Jack laughed. “I know. Can’t believe this guy is finally going to get a girlfriend. He usually rather fantasizes about girls than actually dating them.”

 

Luke wasn’t listening to his brother anymore.

 

Ashton had kissed a girl last night, the same night they had kissed.

 

Ashton was going on a date that day, the day after they almost had sex.

 

Luke didn’t know if it was his nerve, his sanity or his heart, but something broke inside of him that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you wanted more action, there have it.


	5. Fireworks Blue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry it took so long to publish this chapter. I got busy with school, then depressed, and when I was finally able to write again, I had lost the motivation. But I'm back with this longer than expected chapter. Hope you enjoy it.
> 
> Happy New Year!

When he woke up, it was dark outside. Luke didn’t know for how long he had been sleeping when his phone rang. He had spent the afternoon helping his brother clean the house, in pure silence even though Jack tried joking around a couple of times before giving up. Luke had blame it on the hangover and his brother believed it enough to leave him alone.

 

He probably should have talked, though. About sports or music or really anything that would have changed his mind. Silence had always been Luke’s mind enemy and this time was no different. Spending three hours with nothing else to do but clean and think about Ashton, _that_ was dangerous.

 

A part of him was dying to text Michael and Calum so they could figure this shit out together, but another part felt that, maybe, it hadn’t really happened, and he didn’t want to make this real by talking about it. Plus, he didn’t know if his best friends were in speaking terms right now, or if they were still in a relationship. So, instead of texting them, he locked himself in his room once he was done cleaning the house and started watching Family Guy on his laptop before dozing off.

 

“Hey, Mike,” he said to the phone with a raspy voice. “What’s up?”

 

“Hey, did I wake you up? You sound weird.”

 

“Yeah.” He looked around for any indication of time, but he found none. “What time is it?”

 

“It’s 7 o’clock, dude. You’re really fucked up from yesterday, am I right?” Michael laughed.

 

_Aren’t you?_ Luke thought, but refrained himself to say.

 

“You could say that,” he mumbled.

 

“Wanna come to the diner? I can pick you up.”

 

Luke hesitated for a moment. He was still not sure if he wanted to talk about the event of last night, and he absolutely didn’t want to know if Michael and Calum broke up.

 

“C’mon dude,” Michael insisted. “Don’t tell me you don’t want to eat a cheeseburger right now.” Luke’s stomach growled.

 

“We’d go… just the two of us?”

 

“Well, no. I’m with Cal.”

 

“Hey, Luke!” Calum screamed so Luke could hear him over the phone.

 

Luke doesn’t remember having felt such relief in years. He let out the air he had been unconsciously holding and laughed a little.

 

“Alright, yeah, I’m fucking hungry.”

 

\--

 

“We ended up talking all night. We cried, we had make-up sex, and everything is good now.”

 

Luke had trouble understanding everything Michael just told him. He explained the events of what seemed to be the worst fight of their relationship, all while he and Calum were sitting next to each other, on the other side of the table, looking as calm and normal as ever.

 

“So you guys are fine? Like really fine?”

 

“Yeah,” the oldest boy replied, shrugging.

 

“But, Calum, what about you not wanting to come out?”

 

Calum had been quiet for the majority of the conversation. He was never the most chattery, but Luke was still worried. He took a moment to think about his answer, licked his lips, and said:

 

“Well, I already did it. There’s really no point in trying to deny it anymore. After it happened, though, I panicked and tried to find a way to explain to everyone why I did it and how it wasn’t true. But then Michael caught up to me and it struck me that I love Michael more than anything in the world and I realised that I could deal with being out and teased at school, but I couldn’t deal with not being with Michael.”

 

While saying all of this, Calum had taken Michael’s hand and intertwined their fingers together. Michael had been looking at him with the tiniest shy smile and shiny, loving eyes.

 

Luke had never realised to this day how adult Calum and Michael were being about their relationship. They were always putting the other needs in front of their wishes, always making compromises and they treasured each other so much. It was truly beautiful to be a spectator of their love story.

 

“What about you?” Calum inquired. “You seem kinda off, and don’t tell me it’s the hangover, I don’t believe it.”

 

“Yeah,” Michael added. “You’ve been very quiet. What’s up?”

 

Luke bite his lip. Luke still wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell his friends. A part of him was ashamed that he got his heart broken again because he fell for another of Ashton’s… moments? He didn’t know what to call it anymore. His friends were probably sick of hearing about his disastrous nonexistent love life.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

They looked at him with sad eyes. Michael nudged their knees together under the table and leaned toward him on the table.

 

“C’mon, Luke.”

 

He looked down at his hands and sighed.

 

“Okay.”

 

He told them everything. The talk, the almost sex and the girl. It was even harder saying it aloud then he thought it would be, but Calum and Michael were listening attentively and encouraging him to go on. During the story, they went from being skeptical, to very excited, to extremely mad. At the end, they seemed ready to get up and go kick Ashton’s ass.

 

“What is his fucking problem?” Michael shouted. “What kind of scumbag has someone he calls his friend tell him he’s been dealing with a lot, screws him, and then go on and find a girlfriend?”

 

“I don’t know,” Luke answered, defeated.

 

“This boy is deep in denial, classic case,” Calum spoke with a sassy look on his face. He then added, more sympathetic: “At least you know he likes you.”

 

“No.” Luke shook his head. “I’m done with Ashton. I can’t keep loving a guy who won’t stop fucking me over because he’s confused with his sexuality or whatever is his issue.” He paused. He was staring into nothing. He was hurting so much, it was hard to keep focus on anything. “I don’t think my heart can handle it anymore.”

 

He felt Calum’s hand hover his, and Michael sitting down on his right, as well as his arm getting around him to squeeze him tight.

 

“You want us to go throw eggs at his bedroom window?” Michael mumbled in his hair. It was more to make Luke laugh then an actual proposition. It worked. Luke laughed quietly and sniffled.

 

“Kinda, yeah.”

 

\---

 

Luke wasn’t sure if that summer was the best or the worst he’s ever had. On one hand, he was done waiting after and getting fucked over by Ashton. On the other, he had waited just a little too long before deciding that. The damage was done and it had left a bigger scare on Luke than he was willing to admit.

 

Six weeks had passed since the party. Ashton was dating that girl, and, therefore, spending all of his time with her or working. It was good, because it meant Luke never had to see him, except those two times he came to the movies with his girlfriend and Luke managed to only acknowledge his existence with fake smiles and death stares.

 

Luke resented himself for being so stupid to ever hope Ashton would love him. He felt like Ashton took advantage of his innocence. He never wanted to be used like this again.

 

He wanted to look more like Michael, because he knew for a fact no one would dare to disrespect the guy. Luke gave away all of his colorful clothes, keeping only his band shirts and black jeans. He bought plaids and started doing his hair. When Michael decided to bleach his hair, Luke got a lip piercing.

 

And it wasn’t just the look. Luke was angry at the world for taking his good nature for granted and he was making sure it knew. No one would ever think about fucking him over now.

 

When Jack and Ashton left for college, Luke wasn’t sure if he was finally being freed or if he was just being hurt again. Luke was working that day. As soon as his brother had told him when they were leaving, he picked up an additional shift at the movie theatre. He didn’t want to have to help move out Jack’s boxes into Ashton’s new car and watch them leave. He didn’t want to see Ashton. He didn’t want to be left alone.

 

So that morning, before leaving for work, he hugged Jack tight and made him promise to call.

 

“Of course,” Jack said cheerfully, his voice roughed out. “And you can come visit anytime. Really, I mean it. Okay, maybe try to avoid during midterms and finals.”

 

Luke laughed and nodded. “Maybe sometimes, yeah.”

 

He wished Jack would stay. He wished he wouldn’t be sad Ashton was leaving too.

 

\---

 

“At least they got some decent music here,” Luke shouted over the Sex Pistols song that had just started.

 

Calum nodded and took a sip of his beer. He had been taking Luke to these downtown house parties every weekend since the beginning of summer. He knew people, he said. When he had first mentioned it, Luke had jumped on the occasion. He had never been to a party before. Then, he was asking regularly to go back, and now it was just a habit they didn’t even need to question anymore.

 

Luke never thought he would be the kind to like parties. It was basically everything that he hated: crowd, loud music and talking to people he didn’t know. That summer, though, it was everything he needed. Getting drunk, dancing until he was a sweaty mess, meeting new people. For the first time in years, Luke felt normal. When he was drunk, he felt like people liked him, like he was a better version of himself. Plus, he had found out there were way more gay boys than he thought in this region of Sydney.

 

The second time they went to a party, Luke had been hit on by a guy, some drama club boy, not really his type, but pretty funny, and they had ended up making out on the couch. He repeated a similar experience almost every time they went out since then.

 

Luke didn’t think he would be that kind of person that goes to party and hook up with semi strangers, but he didn’t hate it. Getting drunk and kissing boys was way better than locking himself in his room, writing stupid sad songs and thinking about Ashton. If the price to pay for this was waking up tired, feeling like crap, and lying to his parents about spending the night at Calum’s, Luke thought it was worth it.

 

Luke wasn’t sure exactly who’s house party this was. Some Fred from another school they hadn’t seen yet, but that Calum knew from football. He recognized a couple of faces from school – other football players – and some people he had met during the summer in previous parties.

 

They were currently talking with a girl that had been at every party they had been too yet – Jess – and some of her friends Luke didn’t know. Not even 10 minutes after the conversation had started, half of the group had left to go dancing and the other to go get another drink. Soon enough, Luke was left there, alone with some jock with brown hair and dark blue eyes.

 

“How do you know Fred?” The jock asked.

 

“I don’t,” Luke chuckled awkwardly. He wasn’t drunk enough yet. “I’m here with my friend, Calum. He’s in the Northwest’s football team.”

 

“Oh, yeah! The kiwi boy, right?”

 

“Um, yeah. You play footy too?”

 

“At Richmond.” Luke nodded, not knowing what to say. He usually didn’t have much in common with jocks. “You play football?” The jock added.

 

Luke shook his head. “Nan. Well, I do play, but just for fun. I’m not good enough to be in a team. I’m more into music.” He was rambling. Great.

 

“That’s so cool. I wish I played an instrument, but I’m no good at it.”

 

Luke couldn’t say he wasn’t surprised. Most people he knew in Sydney didn’t care about music, especially jocks.

 

“I didn’t catch your name,” the boy said, looking at Luke with his piercing blue eyes. Luke bit the inside of his mouth. He couldn’t lie to himself, the boy was cute.

 

“Luke.”

 

“I’m Gabriel.”

 

He reached out a hand and Luke shook it. He felt a little shock of electricity when their hands made contact and he swore their handshake lasted longer than it should have. They talked a little bit more until Calum returned from his quest to the kitchen, then Gabriel left. Luke watched him walk away and reminded himself that this boy was clearly straight. But then again, he had this feeling that maybe he wasn’t.

 

The party went on and Luke felt a lot more comfortable – and a little bit more intoxicated. He didn’t see Gabriel for a while and he had almost forgotten about him when the boy posted himself beside Luke while he was watching a beer pong game.

 

“Hey, it’s you,” Luke said, joyful. He noticed Gabriel was a couple inches shorter than him. It was cute.

 

“It’s me,” Gabriel laughed. “Wanna play with me next round?” He was pointing the beer pong game and Luke shrugged, a smirk forming on his face.

 

“Sure, why not.”

 

Luke wasn’t a beer pong star like Calum, but he could defend himself. He was in luck that Gabriel was very good, because they were playing against two girls who seemed to have the aim of archer and the ability to chug beers indefinitely.

 

“We are in big trouble,” Gabriel whispered in his ear when they saw the red head drink her cup in one gulp after they got the first ball in.

 

For some reason, this cracked Luke up more than he expected. Maybe it was his drunken state, or maybe it was feeling Gabriel lips against his ear. He couldn’t tell.

 

The game ended up being a lot more fun than Luke thought it would be. He wasn’t a really competitive guy, but he had never been so excited and determined to win a game before. They were screaming, jumping around, doing some trick shots like they were experts that had years of experience. Well, maybe Gabriel did, but Luke certainly did not. They were acting like total frat boys. They won on redemption shot and they were so ecstatic, Luke knocked down the last cup standing in front of them on himself.

 

“Oh my God, this was so close to being a perfect match,” Luke laughed, drying some of the beer on his pants. He had a big wet spot on the bottom of his shirt and the top of his pants. He felt a bit stupid and embarrassed, thanks to his uncoordinated clumsy limbs.

 

“Don’t worry, we can try and wash it out in the bathroom, come one,” Gabriel said, showing him the way by putting a hand on his lower back. Luke glanced at him. The feeling he had earlier about that boy was even more present.

 

Once they were in it, Gabriel closed the bathroom door behind them and grabbed some toilet paper and gave it to Luke.

 

“Here,” he said before sitting on the side of the bath. Luke turned around to wash his shirt in the sink. “I like your lip ring.” Luke glanced up in the mirror. He could see Gabriel staring at him with a charming smile.

 

“Thanks,” he breathed out, blushing a little.

 

Luke turned around when he was done washing his shirt, resting for a moment against the counter, biting the inside of his lower lip. When he saw Gabriel wasn’t getting up to leave, he sat down next to him. They didn't say anything for a moment. Gabriel sighed loudly and started tracing circles on Luke’s arm with his fingers, which made the blond boy shiver.

 

“Luke, can I tell you something? You gotta promise not to tell anyone though.”

 

“Yeah sure.” He couldn’t take his eyes off of Gabriel’s fingers on his arm.

 

“Look, I know you like guys... And I like them too.”

 

“Oh. Okay.” He knew it.

 

“Well, actually, I like you, in particular.”

 

This time, Luke’s eyes shot up to see that Gabriel was looking at him with those magnificent dark blue irises that amazed the blond so much. Their faces were close, closer than Luke anticipated.

 

“Oh,” Luke exhaled softly.

 

Gabriel grinned and sealed their lips together. Luke kissed him back. He let his hands rest on Gabriel's waist while his slid on Luke's neck. It was a slow kiss, for about 10 seconds. Gabriel was an eager kisser, all tongue and saliva. Luke didn’t mind too much, he was still a bit drunk and kissing, however it was, felt pretty nice. And he didn’t limit himself to Luke’s mouth, soon enough, he had his lips all over Luke’s neck and ears and collar bone. It was a lot to take in, but it felt even better, and Luke didn’t want him to stop. Before he could even understand what was happening, Gabriel was pushing him in the bath and touching his dick with a firm grip, making Luke’s breath heavy and hollow.

 

“Do you wanna blow me?” Gabriel whispered in Luke’s ear and the blond felt at the mercy of the other boy. He was willing to do whatever he wanted, if it meant he was going to keep touching him like this.

 

Sucking a dick wasn’t as terrifying as Luke thought it would be. It wasn’t as exciting as he imagined either. He probably would have felt a lot more awkward if he wasn’t drunk, because Gabriel wasn’t making any sound and was looking at the ceiling all the while. The only contact he made with Luke was with his hand grabbing his hair tightly. It made Luke worried that he wasn’t good at it, but it didn’t take too long for the jock to come, so he guessed he wasn’t terrible. First blowjobs just couldn’t be the bests, probably.

 

Getting sucked, on the other hand, was pretty fucking great. Luke could tell Gabriel didn’t have a lot of practice, but he didn’t know best. He tried to drag it out as long as he could, tried to make it look like it wasn’t his first time getting blown, or his first time having any kind of serious sexual intercourse, for that matter.

 

When they were done, Gabriel said he had to go back home before his mom noticed how late it was. Before leaving, he gave Luke a handful of toilet paper, so he could clean the come on his chest and kissed him on the cheek swiftly, saying they would see each other again soon.

 

\--

 

“Oh motherfucking-”

 

When Luke woke up the next morning with Calum still sound asleep beside him, he thought of texting Gabriel. He didn’t, obviously. He didn’t want the other boy to think he was the first thing Luke had thought about when he woke up. Which would have been a false presumption since the first thing Luke actually thought about was that he should buy that new guitar he had seen at the music store. Gabriel was only second in his mind.

 

So he waited a bit and finally decided to text him after he and Calum had been lying awake in bed for an hour. He didn’t know what he expected out of this relationship, maybe a couple of dates and hookups, and if they still got along as well sober as drunk, maybe Luke could hope for something serious. He was ready to go with the flow.

 

What he didn’t expect, though, was being given a fake number.

 

From Luke to Gabriel at 12:26

_Hey, it’s Luke. Good morning! I just wanted to say_

_that I really had a good time last night and I was_

_wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out again?_

 

From Gabriel to Luke at 12:34

_Hi Luke. This is Steve. I think you got the wrong number_

_because I can assure you I didn’t leave my house last night._

_Sorry if it causes any trouble._

 

Luke groaned. “I’m so stupid.”

 

“What for this time?” Calum asked, nonchalant and not looking away from his phone.

 

“That guy Gabriel, from last night, he gave me a fake number.”

 

“Damn.” Calum glanced at him. “That’s harsh.”

 

“Why do I hook up with straight guys and think that they will want to date me afterwards? I have a pattern.”

 

“Yes, you do.”

 

“And it needs to stop.”

 

“Yes, it does.”

 

They fell in silence for a moment after this, Luke staring at the ceiling until it blurred and he had to blink for it to go back into focus. After a couple of minutes, he sighed and deleted Gabriel’s fake number.

 

…

 

It only took a week of school having started before a guy from the football team patted his shoulder in History class.

 

“Hey,” he half whispered, eyes curious and friendly on Luke. “Is it true you’re gay?”

 

Luke blinked at him and furrowed his brows. “What?”

 

“Sammy Kinsley said she saw you making out with some dude at a party this summer. It’s cool if you are, but I’d rather know for sure than believe a rumour.”

 

“Oh.” Luke didn’t expect, of all people at his school, for a footballer to be so chill about another classmate’s sexuality, but, yet again, Calum was one and he was out, and he never mentioned a problem with his teammates. “Well, yeah.”

 

“Good for you, man.”

 

And that was it. Luke had feared his school coming out more than anything and if he had known it would have been so easy, he would have saved himself years of anxiety. He used to care, though. Now the only thing he had left to do was tell his family.

 

\---

 

His parents took it well enough. He announced it over dinner between a bite of chicken and passing out the butter. It was pretty formal, but short and awkward. The classic “Hum, I have something to say… I’m gay” bit. His mother cried a little and said she always suspected it because he used to always want to go to the video store to stare at the cashier – which he definitely didn’t remember but believed – and his dad tapped him on the shoulder and told him they loved him.

 

So, yeah. It was pretty much how he expected it to be.

 

After that, he went up in his room and called Ben, who reacted similarly to their dad because they’re the same man in different bodies. The only one left was Jack. He didn’t know why, but Luke was the most nervous to tell him. He didn’t think Jack would react badly, but anxiety was building up in his chest as he typed his brother’s number on his phone.

 

“Hey! How’s it going?” Jack answered after three rings.

 

“Hey. It’s going fine. Are you busy?” He felt breathless.

 

“No, not at all. I was taking a break from homeworks. Can you believe this? I have homeworks on the first week. And I’m doing them!” They both laughed at this. Jack was never the most studious brother of the family. “So, what’s new?”

 

“Hum, well…” He cleared his throat who had seem to have dried out in seconds. “I got a lip ring now instead of a bead and hum…” He stopped and took a big breath before saying quickly. “I like boys.”

 

“What?”

 

Luke sighed. He mentally cursed Jack for making him say it again. “I like boys,” he repeated, more slowly.

 

There was a short silence on the other hand of the phone, making the sound of his thrumming heartbeat even more prominent in his ears.

 

“You like boys? Like in… You’re gay?” He didn’t sound too assured, like he didn’t want to say something wrong.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Oh.” Luke started breathing more easily. Jack didn’t seem mad or disgusted or anything negative, really. “I didn’t expect this, but at the same time I don’t feel very shocked.”

 

 “Of course,” Luke snorted. “Your just like mom.”

 

“Well, it’s just that now that you’re saying it, I think you had a crush on Ashton when you were little.”

 

It felt like Luke had just been sting in the heart with a poison needle. He could see the black venom scattering around in his body and rot his inside. A complete summer trying to forget about Ashton, and earing his name hurt just as much as the morning after that party. Maybe it was because of this Gabriel situation. It had grazed the old wound.

 

Luke forced out a fake, breathy laugh and said, squeakier than intended: “Really? I don’t remember. That’s so weird.”

 

“Yeah, but you must have been four or five. You probably didn’t even know back then. I can’t believe I’ve just realized this now.”

 

Luke quickly changed the subject and they chatted a little more before Jack had to go back to his homeworks and Luke made an excuse about having to practice a new song he was trying to learn on the guitar. When they hung up, Luke could still feel the poison pestering his heart. He decided he might as well really practice the song to try and think about something else.

 

\---

 

The next time Luke heard about Ashton was in July. He and Jack were back in town for the weekend of Ashton’s birthday.  Luke wanted to say that he didn’t mind, but he did. A lot. Thankfully, though, Ashton was spending his Saturday with his family, according to Jack. They were going to this winter festival that his town loved to throw every year even though Australia was the opposite of a white winter wonderland. People loved drinking hot cocoa and blowing up fireworks surrounded by fake snow, he guessed. That meant all Luke had to do was spend his Saturday locked in his room and he had already planned to go to Michael’s on Sunday. He didn’t have to worry at all.

 

Except he should have, but he hadn’t expected Ashton to be sitting at his kitchen table when he’d come back for dinner. He had thought he and his brother would have already been gone by then.

 

“Jack and Ashton have decided to stay a bit longer,” his father said when Luke froze at the door, staring at the boys quizzically.

 

“Oh,” Luke managed to say, trying really hard not to sound sarcastic. “Great.”

 

Luke ate in silence. He shoved roasted carrots and bread in his mouth while looking down at his plate in hope that his family would leave him alone. He settled for giving short and vague answers when someone tried to talk to him. He felt Ashton eyes on him once in a while and simply feeling his presence near him made Luke want to crawl under the hardwood floor and stop existing until Ashton’s departure. He had visions of Ashton biting down his neck and whispering in his ear how much he wanted him. It clogged his airway and made his heart palpitate to an uncomfortable rhythm.

 

As soon as he was done eating, he asked to be excuse so he could go fetch his phone that he had forgotten at Michael’s house. He hadn’t, but the cold air on his face felt exquisite and the liberation of Ashton’s imposed presence calmed his ongoing anxiety attack.

 

After a while of walking around, Luke was too cold to stay out any longer. He hadn’t brought gloves or a scarf or even a hat. He really didn’t think this through before leaving his house and now he was regretting it because Jack and Ashton probably weren’t gone yet. He tried blowing hot air on his hands and jumping up and down to try and bear the cold a little more, but it was a waste of effort. Soon enough, he was too cold to care, and he decided he had calmed down enough.

 

When he got back inside, his parents were watching TV in the living room and there was no sight of the boys. Either they had left, or they were in Jack’s room. Luke hurried back to his room and almost had a heart attack when he stepped inside. Ashton was leaning on his desk, facing the window before Luke entrance, but his head had spun around, and his eyes had widened when he heard the younger boy come in.

 

“What are you doing here?” Luke snapped, sounding a little more confused and distressed then he hoped he would.

 

“Sorry. I wanted to watch the fireworks and your mom said we could see them from your bedroom window.”

 

Oh, right. The festival.

 

Luke didn’t say anything. He sighed and sat on his bed, grabbing the book he had to read for English class. He didn’t want to be petty to the point of throwing Ashton out of his room, although he had every right to do so. His mom would probably be mad if he did and he’d have to explain to her why he did it. He’d rather avoid that than Ashton.

 

After a couple of minutes of uncomfortable silence, Ashton spoke, trying to sound natural:

 

“Jack told me you came out. That’s great.”

 

Luke almost wanted to laugh. This was unbelievable.

 

“Nothing you didn’t know before.”

 

Ashton forced smile disappeared in an instant and he turned his head back to the window, probably hoping for the fireworks to start soon. After another minute of tensed silence and of Luke seemingly ignoring Ashton, the older boy made his move towards the door.

 

“I should go.”

 

“You’re really going to keep acting like nothing happened?” Luke said, adverting his eyes from his book for the first time since he had opened it. Ashton stopped in his track, almost straight in front of Luke.

 

“Luke, I’m–”

 

“How’s Emily?”

 

They stared at each other for a moment. Ashton looked older than when he left. His hair was longer, and he had a stubble. His expression was unreadable.

 

“We broke up at the end of summer,” he sighed.

 

Luke nodded. It was an interesting development.

 

“Luke, I’m sorry about what happened. Really. It’s just that… I’m not like you.”

 

That was it. That’s what made Luke snapped. He was _so_ done with closeted boys who kept making him feel like it was a bad thing to ‘be like him’. Like it was an abomination that he liked boys and wasn’t ashamed to admit it. He stood up to level himself with Ashton and didn’t hesitate one second before grabbing his face and kissing him deeply.

 

Luke tell that Ashton wasn’t completely resistant to the kiss. He could have easily pushed him away if he really didn’t want it, and with their bodies pressed against each other, Ashton couldn’t hide that he was into it. Luke broke the kiss to push Ashton back against the desk as he closed the door with his foot.

 

“W-What are you doing?” Ashton looked more confused than ever. Luke walked back to him and started undoing the other boy’s belt.

 

“Liking boys isn’t a bad thing, Ash. You can be in the closet and lie to yourself as long as you want, I don’t give a fuck. But don’t come and tell me to my face that you’re better than me for being able to sleep with girls.”

 

Luke dropped to his knees and dragged Ashton’s jeans and boxer along. He was hard and there was no way for Ashton to hide the fact that he was into what was going on.

 

“Luke, that’s not what I said,” Ashton started to explain, but Luke stopped him before he could continue.

 

“Do you want to argue about that or let yourself have this?” Luke asked, licking his lips.

 

Ashton didn’t say anything. He simply bit his lower lip and inhaled sharply as Luke wrapped his lips around him. With Ashton’s long fingers tugging at his blond hair, Luke could hear the fireworks outside and he refrained his laugh when he realised they weren’t the only things exploding tonight.


	6. Ambuscade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise bitch! Thought you'd seen the last of me?

It took four days for Ashton to finally text him.

 

From Ashton to Luke at 19h43

_Hey Luke, could we talk?_

From Luke to Ashton at 19h45

_We technically are talking right now_

From Ashton to Luke at 19h46

_I meant talk about what happened_

Luke sighed. He expected this from Ashton. The guy was not the kind to get his dick sucked in front of a window while being graced with the view of fireworks and leave it like that. He was a romantic. Luke had hoped college had loosen him up about this, but it seemed like it didn’t.

From Luke to Ashton at 19h52

_No need to talk about it. Ever again._

From Ashton to Luke at 19h52

_Luke, please…_

From Luke to Ashton at 19h54

_Look Ash, you’re not like me or whatever. It won’t happen again, don’t worry. Have a good life._

 

And that was it. Ashton didn’t write back or try to call. It felt like an easy victory, maybe even too easy. Luke hadn’t thought Ashton would go down without a fight, but it seemed he had finally understood: Luke wasn’t here to lose anymore.

 

He threw his phone on the other side of his bed and went back to his geometry homework without a second thought about the older boy. Although, at this point, Ashton was constantly in the background of his mind, like an image in his blind spot he couldn’t get rid of. It was infuriating, but he had learned to ignore it the best he could.

 

Midterms were close and it showed. Luke was drowning in homeworks and studies and this goddamn Science project he had been doing research for for the last hour because he had paired up with the worst partner in the history of lab partners (Michael). It was about finding an eco-friendly way to clean polluted water while not exceeding a certain budget. If you asked Luke, it was a shit project, and two hours later he still wasn’t even halfway done.

 

His head was exactly one “depolluted” away from exploding when he decided, fuck this, he was going to get a snack.

 

When he got back to his room with a bag of chips and a soda, he had two missed call and a voicemail from Ashton. Luke rolled his eyes but picked up the phone. He wasn’t going to call back; voicemails just always got the best of his curiosity. It was weird to hear Ashton’s voice through a phone. They never called each other, even back when they got along. It felt more saturated, but it still managed to make Luke’s heart drop to his stomach. Especially with the message it delivered.

 

_“I’m parked in front of your house. You can either come see me or I can knock on your door and explain to your mom why I had to drive two hours during midterm to see you. Your move, pal.”_

Luke felt all the colours leave his face. There was no way his mother would find out about this, not on his watch. He grabbed a hoodie on his way downstairs and ran to the door, shouting a quick excuse of having to go get something at Michael’s (again) and almost face planting as he struggled to put his shoes on. It’s only when he finally got outside that he felt like he could breath, but not for long, because he spotted Ashton’s car parked literally right in front of his mailbox.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Luke whispered-shout as he got to Ashton’s passenger side rolled down window.

 

“Get in,” the older boy simply said in a gentle, yet determined, voice.

 

“No!” Luke couldn’t believe what his evening had become. This was crazy.

 

“C’mon, Luke. I need to talk to you, for real.”

 

Luke stared at Ashton for a second. He wanted Ashton to leave him alone, but he really needed him to move his car.

 

“Fine,” he sighed, frustrated, and opened the door to get inside the car. “Now drive, I don’t want my parents to see us.”

 

And so, Ashton drove. He did that for a while before speaking again. Luke simply stared at the road with an annoyed expression, his face resting against his hand like some 14-year-old forced to spend their Saturday with their family. The radio was set to a scream-metal channel that Luke hated. He hoped this metal phase Ashton was going through would be over soon.

 

“So,” Ashton finally started with a shaky laugh. “Sorry I cornered you like this.” When he was met with a stoic reaction from Luke, he cleared his throat and became serious. “Okay, well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened because I’m very confused. We used to be friends, then I fucked up and you stopped talking to me – understandably – but then you pull a stunt like this and I’m just…”

 

He didn’t finish his sentence, just gesticulated his hands around like to say he didn’t even know how to feel. Luke rolled his eyes. He had figured out how he felt about all of this a long time ago: done. He didn’t give a damn about getting hurt, he didn’t give a damn about giving head, and, frankly, he didn’t give a damn about Ashton’s confusion. But, none the less, something about the fact that Ashton had drove _two hours_ during midterms just to understand made Luke feel sorry for him. He used to be like this too, lost and in search of answers regarding his sexuality. So, he obliged in the older boy’s incessant attempts to talk.

 

“What do you wanna know?”

 

Ashton’s eyes almost lit up when hearing Luke’s words, but he contained himself quickly.

 

“Hum, well, why did you do it?” He asked shyly, with a nervous smile and the faintest tint of red covering his cheeks.

 

“Because I was mad.”

 

“At me?”

 

“At you, at every guy who clearly likes boys but keep telling me they’re ‘not like me’.”

 

“Oh.” Ashton simply said, brows furrowing and eyes questioning.

 

“What?” Luke asked.

 

“So,” he paused, seeming to think about what he was going to say. He opened his mouth, closed it, and opened it again. “I insulted you, so you sucked my dick?”

 

At that, Luke exploded with bitter laughter. It really was hilarious when it was said like that.

 

“Yeah. Guess I’m an angry sex kind of guy.”

 

Ashton laughed too. Not as freely as Luke, but less nervous than before. They fell in silence for a couple of minutes. Luke watched the moving night sky and wondered where they were going. He wasn’t sure Ashton knew either.

 

“I’m sorry I insulted you.”

 

Luke waved his hand at the boy in the driver seat in a way to say: ‘don’t worry about it’. He had screamed at Ashton, told him everything that had bothered him – well, not everything, they hadn’t really talked about the night of the party, but that was seven months ago and he was tired of being mad about this – and now he wasn’t as angry as before. He felt as though he had cleaned up an open wound.

 

“No, really, I am. I didn’t mean to. If I had known, I would have phrased it differently…” He bit down on his lower lip like in hesitation to continue. He ended up sighing and looking at the road in resignation. “And I’m sorry for what happened in December. I was selfish and a coward and a complete jerk.”

 

“Keep going, I like what I’m hearing.”

 

They laughed and it was as easy as that. Ashton had apologized for this the night of the fireworks, but it had felt fake, like a default apology, a ‘I’m sorry you’re upset’ more than a ‘I’m sorry I did something wrong”. Luke knew it was sincere now. It was the medicine he had looked for all summer in alcohol and weed. It healed him better than any hookup had ever done. For the first time in months, his heart could beat fully.

 

“Ashton?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“It’s the least I could do, really.”

 

Luke nodded slowly. He turned his head towards the window again studied the trees and the field bordering the road. It was dark, except for the stars and the rare houses they encountered.

 

“Ashton?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Where are we?”

 

“To be honest, I’m not quite sure.”

 

They laughed again. They couldn’t be too far; they had only been driving for 20 minutes. They agreed on going back, though. They got parked at a church near Luke’s school and listened to the radio. Luke let himself observe Ashton for the first time in ages. It used to be all he did and now he didn’t remember the last time he looked at the boy for more than five seconds. Ashton was dirty and tired from his midterm studies, but beautiful as always.

 

“So, what have you been up to lately?”

 

Luke blinked. He didn’t feel like he had been doing much. Hating the older boy and being a newly out gay took a lot of his time and energy, but it didn’t seem like an appropriate answer.

 

“You know, just school, work and guitar. I write songs sometimes.” He shrugged. It wasn’t very fascinating.

 

“What kind of songs?”

 

They were facing each other, and Luke could see that Ashton was truly interested. Luke felt awkward. He was mostly writing about Ashton and he wasn’t fond of the other boy founding this out.

 

“Shitty songs,” he answered, half joking. Ashton smiled but didn’t say anything. He was waiting for a serious answer. Luke wasn’t one to lie, but he could omit the details. “Sad songs. Angry songs. Songs about the struggles of being gay.”

 

“Love songs?” Ashton eyes were focused on Luke’s.

 

“Songs about falling for straight guys.”

 

Ashton nodded, understanding Luke was talking about him.

 

“Straight guys sure seem to lead you on.” His voice was low and careful, like something would break if he said something wrong.

 

“They sure do.”

 

“They’re probably not really straight though. They wouldn’t do it otherwise. They probably even like you.”

 

Luke looked intently at Ashton. Was he saying that…? His heart started beating wildly. What was he saying?

 

“You think?” Luke asked with the few bits of air that hadn’t been sucked out of his lungs.

 

Ashton nodded. He leaned towards Luke and kissed him softly, with one hand on his cheek. It was sweet and careful, and Luke didn’t want to fight it. He didn’t want to think of all the times Ashton had hurt him over the years and how this could easily be another heartbreak. All he wanted to do was let his heart be young, naïve and feel loved.

 

They stayed there for half an hour, kissing desperately, like they could never do it again – because they might not. Then Ashton had to leave. It was a two-hour drive, after all, and he had an English exam the next day at 9.

 

When Luke got home, he prepared for bed on auto-pilot. He couldn’t stop thinking about his night. He stared at his ceiling for a while with a stupid smile on his face. Ashton kissed him. Ashton kissed him because he liked him.

 

Ashton liked him.


End file.
